The Gift of Time

My oldest daughter is * gulp * graduating from college today. I am sitting here trying to think of something wise and wonderful to say to her to mark this monumental passage of time. 

I can recall, as a toddler, Morgan’s insatiable curiosity. She invented the word, “Why?” I was determined to never grow weary of trying to answer, to the best of my ability, this question. She loved to explore, get dirty and “dig in.”

She would collect snails for her grandpa in his backyard, create glorious mud pies and sandcastles in ours, and would finger paint with widespread hands in full force, wherever she was allowed. She loved to play doctor and would look deep into any willing adult’s ear and inform them in a rather serious tone, “You gotta lotta wax in there.”

I hope that my dear Morgan never ever loses her sense of exploration and curiosity to learn about new things in life. Creating. Building. But most of all, reveling in the pure joy and satisfaction of a job well done.

In my mind’s eye, I remember anticipating the arrival of one of our carpool moms. She was picking Morgan up for the early morning kindergarten commute. We’d experienced our usual hubbub and all was ready, including the addition of her winter coat. It was an uncharacteristically chilly morning, at least by California standards.

The horn honked and Morgan ran out the door, as I stared out the glass windowpanes. She skipped down the walkway, book bag in hand. She headed in the direction of the car, stopped, and stooped down to touch the frosty grass.

She turned around and yelled, “Look, Jack Frost came last night!” With a grin spread across her flushed cheeks, she proceeded to turn in the car’s direction and continued on her now merry way.

I hope Miss Merry Sunshine never loses her sense of wonder. Whether it is musical notes heard, a book she’s just devoured, a handbag she just scored at Loehmann’s or most importantly, the beauty in nature that surrounds her. I hope she will stop to notice. Notice the majestic sunrises and sunsets, the cumulus cloud covering the sky as she (hopefully) lies back on the grass and soaks in the goodness that surrounds her.

Later, I marveled at the strength she displayed as a mere second grader. She had practiced a song for weeks and weeks to sing at her elementary school’s end of year talent show. It was a stretch for her but she was determined. In the end, the tape we had made for her to sing along with was seemingly lost and she would not be able to perform. When she happened to find it at the last minute, she ran to her teacher. The teacher informed Morgan it was too late. She would not allow her to sing. My “mommy heart” ached but she took the disappointment in stride and proceeded to enjoy the others’ performances.

That summer, her dad and I were driving home from a family outing and Morgan shared another incident involving that teacher. She was barely beginning to read and write. She had filled out a story plot plan as her homework one evening, and in her enthusiasm, continued to write her entire story. It was her first “real” one. It took a great deal of effort but Morgan was both proud and excited of her accomplishment.

The next morning she had it out on her table with her other completed homework, to be checked-in. When her teacher saw it, she ripped it up and threw it in the garbage because Morgan had not followed directions. I remember looking at her dad, as we exchanged a look of horror about what had transpired.

How could that teacher react so cruelly? She had followed the letter of her law but missed an amazing teachable moment. She was crushing a student’s love of a job well done.

Throughout the years I’ve seen Morgan receive other harsh judgments from those in authority. Whether it was for mistakes she’d made or lessons learned the “hard way,” she has amazed me with her strength to keep on, keeping on.  

She has determination and grit. I hope that with the passage of these lessons, she’s developed her own sense of compassion and empathy toward others who will also make mistakes one day.  In life, she can follow the letter of the law or the intent with which it was created. I hope she has learned to do the latter with firmness, yes, but a sense of fairness.

As a little girl she was kind, generous and very loving toward her baby sister and younger brother. When her tiny brother cried from an injury, she would sympathize, saying, “Poor Troy.”  

I have seen that same caring attitude displayed with children she babysits. Those characteristics seem to shine as she discusses holding newborns or the mommies who deliver them. Her chosen profession, that of a nurse, seems perfectly suited for her.  All that she has learned: wonderment, curiosity, strength, determination, grit, empathy and more, will make her an excellent nurse.

So to my Miss Merry Sunshine, Morgan, I offer sincere congratulations. And did I mention my “mommy heart” is oh so proud?  I love you. 

100th Bay to Breakers Rookie Recap

This year it was the San Francisco Bay to Bakers Race 100th anniversary. I read online they were giving medals to all finishers for the first time. I wanted one. So I signed up.

My alarm went off at 4:50am and I ate a quick breakfast of cereal with almond milk. I had debated what I should wear due to a rainy forecast. I settled upon wearing shorts that had a side pocket large enough to house my iPhone in a Ziploc sandwich baggie, that way I could capture all the Kodak moments. I also wore a tank top, long-sleeved shirt, a biking windbreaker with a handy pocket for money, BART ticket, license and a credit card.  I wore my Road I.D. bracelet, a Polar watch and my marathon necklace for good luck. I topped it off with a baseball cap and drank some extra water, heading out the door by 5:10am.

I waited for friends to join me at the Walnut Creek BART. We left on the 5:56 train and arrived in plenty

of time to begin our run (it's not a race).  We began to see runners dressed up. "Thing 1" and "Thing 2" (a mother/daughter duo) rode the escalator with us.

When we landed at the top of the escalator, I noticed blue skies. A good sign.

From there we headed toward the starting area. Waiting for the run to begin, we were able to witness the traditional tortilla toss. It's rumored that seasoned runners initiated the toss, but who knows? It was great fun. One landed on my head.

After the tortilla tossing (and landing) we were waiting in line to get into our corral. While waiting, the crowd was rather tame, albeit dressed in a myriad of costumes. 

There were a few teens smoking  "funny stuff" in this area but not blatantly. The line to get into our corral was moving v-e-r-y slow. There was an opening in the fence to the side so a large number of us followed an alternate group into the B group area. Though our start time was 7:00 I don't think we began until 7:12 or so. We were all walking close together and it was crowded but organized. I might mention just as were getting ready to begin, there were beach balls flying. I yelled to the woman in front of me to kick it. She let it roll past herself so I decided to give it a giant kick myself. BIG mistake. It landed on her back, ricocheted off of her onto the chest of the woman to my right. It hit her hard, startling her. "I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I will never kick a beach ball again!" I implored. I felt terrible. I continued sheepishly forward. Note to self: never kick beach balls in a crowd.

Soon music was blaring, the crowd was slowly spreading out and we neared the starting line. We were off! No sooner had we begun than the Oreo man and friends were there passing out cookies to all of us.

He was so friendly. My friend, "Pamela, not Pam" ate two as she had not eaten breakfast yet. I ate one, just to be nice. Besides, who can resist a cookie?

As we moved forward the festivities continued. There is a tradition of the Upstream Salmon who run opposite the pack in order to find other fish to spawn. I stopped to photograph them.

I counted at least eleven naked men and two women. There was a naked couple but I didn't know until I ran past them that one of them was a woman. If you want to see the backs of them, you'll have to be my friend on Facebook. Later, there were four men running together and I said to a runner next to me, "Must pass naked men!" She laughed at my joke as we passed them.

The crowds continued forward. Thousands of people. I will say there were lots of porta potties lining the streets and water stops along the route too. No floats this year, no centipedes near me and a rather tame crowd. There were lots of bands playing music throughout which made the time fly. There is one pretty big hill but the sea of people are so entertaining it didn't seem half bad. There was at least one elderly gentleman being helped Hayes St. Hill, but he didn't seem to mind (he "found his thrill on Hayes St. Hill").

The weather continued to cooperate with the sun shining the entire race, up until the very end when the sprinkles that landed on my cap were a welcomed reprieve. After I ran across the finish line, I noticed a couple being interviewed on T.V. They were headed to Hawaii after today's run and their grass skirts and coconut shell tops landed them the news segment spot.

One fellow had a giant grin on his face but his shirt told another story:

From the finish line it is quite a far walk to collect medals and t-shirts.  As we began gathering, eating and socializing, there were more noteworthy costumes, including the Prince and Princess of Wales.

I saw a  few of the folks from Forward Motion in Danville, including Pamela not Pam, who had found a cape during the run. It was getting chillier so she put it on for some super powers, I'm sure.   

And at Bay to Breakers were some of my running mates, including Roger Shaw and Lynn Jowett and our "coach" Rhett Bratt from Walnut Creek, Kathe Oster from Alamo, myself, Kathy Dillingham from Danville, Tony Phillips and Marian De La Torre Easthope also from Walnut Creek.

Our day was nearly over. We rode a bus to the Daly City BART station. We were so chilled we took time to sun ourselves a little bit.

At long last, we headed onto the BART train and headed home sweet home. It was, by all accounts, a really wonderful fun-filled day. 

                                                               And, I got my medal.

Divorce Mentor

I have friends who teasingly say I am their divorce mentor. It is a title which brings mixed feelings. Why? Because I believe in love, keeping commitments and happily-ever-after. And yet, I do admit to having learned a few things in the past seven years as a divorce'.

One thing I have learned is that it is okay to be alone. To be lonely and alone is very different than being married and alone. This even applies to social events. I am somewhat lucky in that my ex-husband's schedule forced me to learn to go to social gatherings alone, or not go at all.

I am quite comfortable sitting at a table with four married couples. I am frequently the "fifth wheel" but it doesn't bother me. If I'm a fifth wheel,  it's because I've chosen to be with friends or family that I love.

For example, last week was the tenth anniversary of the founding of the Scorpion Lacrosse program. I sat at a table with four couples. I had a great time. I danced with the ladies that evening and a few of their husbands too. It was one big collective group of friends dancing together. The more the merrier, single or married.

I have learned that some husbands are sometimes leery of their wives going out with me. This only applies to new friendships where the husbands don't know me well enough yet. The old friends all know I am just happy to be able to spend time with my girlfriend.

We're not out carousing and on the prowl, we're likely headed to a movie or sitting at a table eating in downtown Danville, Walnut Creek or San Ramon discussing each one of our children's lives in detail. Or we're solving the most recent work issue or lamenting about our busy schedules.

I do have friends who gripe about their husbands, but it is no different from when I was married. Except to say that the fantasy of divorce is very different than the reality. I am the very last person to encourage someone to divorce. I believe every avenue should be explored first: compromising and communication, counseling, books, and more.

I have always believed, and still do, that divorce is not really an option. That is, until it simply is, for reasons only those involved can understand. The decision to divorce should never be taken lightly. New friends, and their spouses, are sometimes surprised to learn my stance. My older friends, and their spouses, are not. They know me.

I will admit, however,  to coaching my newly-divorced friends about several things, some simple and mundane and others often more philosophical in nature. Here are just a few of them:

The most important item on a newly-divorced couples' agenda should be their kids. If children are in the picture, they must always come first. Any anger or ill will toward their "ex" spouses has got to be less than the love they feel for their children. That love has got to be the common  ground with which they move forward, separately.

As a teacher I saw their shared love as a way to bring parents together for conferencing with their child or children. The result was, and is, happier children.

When I have dated or befriended newly divorced men I can tell a lot about their relationship with their ex-wife by how they are referenced. If they say, "My EX did such-and-such" or "My EX is a blah, blah, blah" I wince inside. I gently ask them what is "her" name.

After they answer, I then ask if they can just use her name, she is, after all, the mother of their children. Many men naturally do just that. Or, like me, they reference their ex-wives as "my children's mother." The same is true for my friends who have ex-husbands. I know they have an "EX" but why not just call him by his first name? It's the kinder, gentler way to reference them.

As a divorced woman, I generally dress pretty conservatively around married couples. I have even coached other friends to do likewise...the reality is that we don't ever want the wives to feel we are trying to make moves on their men. We aren't. We just want to be looked upon as another member of the team, not the opposition.

I also need to go on record to say that just because I am divorced, it doesn't mean that I let my children run around town into the wee hours of the night. My children have curfews. I do not serve alcohol to minors and generally speaking, I am one of the more strict parents in their circles of friendship.

The same is true with the "father of my children" and we have always been united on the fact that our children won't use divorce as an excuse for bad behavior.  I understand and respect the need for parents to call and discuss my supervision of their children when coming to my home for the first time.

I hope that is true for all the married couples their children visit as well. Children need supervision, rules and abundant love. That is a universal truth whether married or divorced. Just don't assume because I'm divorced that my parenting rules are more lax. They aren't. Ask my kids. Or their friends' parents. They know.

Another thing I "coach" my friends going through divorce is this: take the time to know your role in why you divorced. It takes two people. I've heard for every five years that you've been married it takes a year to recover. Learn and discover who you are and what role you played the divorce.

Some of my friends don't want to hear it. But generally speaking, it's a good idea. Take time to figure out who you are, solo. Don't jump into something with someone before you know your likes, dislikes, must-haves and can't-stands. What brings you joy? What makes you sad or mad? Above all, be yourself. You'll be a better parent and partner in the future.

Do I like being a divorce mentor? I don't know. I guess I never thought I'd be divorced in the first place. But since I am divorced, surprisingly happily, I might as well try to share a little bit of what I've learned in the process. I know this, I still believe in love. I still believe in marriage. And I still believe in being the best person I can be. Married or single.

To view this on the San Ramon Patch, go here:

http://sanramon.patch.com/blog_posts/divorce-mentor

My Laptop's Death

A week or so ago I received a phone call from Texas. It seemed my beloved laptop had died a slow water-y death. Somehow there was "liquid damage." I don't know when. I don't know how. I only know that the cost to repair was nearly the cost of replacing my beloved little white machine.

As a writer, not having access to my most favorite tool has been sad. I have oodles of stories to write. Ones about adventures in Maui (over one month old) or of my children growing, myself evolving. I have been procrastinating bringing my computer in to the Mac Store because I could sense the news would not be happy.

The death of my laptop has sad because it symbolized a gift from someone four years ago. This individual saw I was a busy mom with three children and one computer. At the time, we each had to wait our turn to get online. I had already cooked and cleaned in my home both before school and again later, taught in a classroom all day, driven numerous routes in the carpool lane to various sports' practices, games and more, corrected homework for my own children as well as over 65 students and then cooked and cleaned some more. And then I had to wait my turn to type away.

My beloved laptop was an unsolicited present and totally unexpected. It was given to me during a lunch and with an explanation that there were no strings, expectations or hidden meanings. It was a gift to a writer from someone who understood.

That machine helped me to create stories of my family, myself and friends. It allowed me to create a DVD for my entire immediate family of our history set to music with a myriad of photos. It brought comfort to all of us while my dad fought his cancer courageously. I will never forget watching the DVD as a giant audience in my sister's living room in April of 2007 with tears of sadness mixed with joy and laughter. A year later we edited it for his memorial service. I had photos of my children's most recent events. I journaled. I emailed. I poured my heart and soul onto the keys of that little engine that could.

The friendship has shifted and though we keep in touch on rare occasions I have always appreciated the spirit with which the computer was given. Time moves on and so do people.

Yesterday I took money out of my limited savings and went to the Apple Store. I purchased a new little silver machine. I have high hopes for more writing, with some more ideas and sites and avenues brewing. And though my white machine has died, my friendship has shifted I continue to be optimistic about what is around the next bend.

Thank you for reading...

Eating Crap

Let's be honest. We've all done it. Today I did. I ate crap. LOTS of it. As I sit here typing I have a "food baby" that feels like I'm carrying a 7 pounder. I want to give birth because it feels so heavy and gross.

Here is my crap recap:

A semi-healthy small bowl of cereal with soy milk at home

Got to work and then ate a slice (or two)  of disgusting lemon coffee cake with filling from our local grocery store.

Red vine licorice (several pieces)

1-1/2 carrot cake cupcakes w/ gross canned cream cheese frosting

A McDonald's plain hamburger in a desperate attempt to keep it semi-healthy

One bag of small fries w/ yes, a Diet Coke 

(On a side note: Did you know Mickey D's has fat and calorie content listed on their paper wrappers apparently? I actually had an okay caloric intake, but the content and quality is an entirely different topic up for discussion).

In short, if there were a contest for eating crap today, I win.

How do I feel about it? Not great. Not good. I'm going to go swim this evening in 50+ degree fresh water. I will don a wetsuit and swim a mile or so in an attempt to burn a little bit of the sugar and fat laden foods from my overloaded system.

The reality is that more often than not, I eat healthy. Lots of green stuff. Very little inflammatory foods. Nuts, avocado, olive oil and other good fats. Almond milk or soy.  Fruit. Fish. Chicken. Water. LOTS of water.

Today? Not so much. I will wipe my crystallized sugared lips and begin my swim in a little while. When I wake up and attend a breakfast honoring my daughter, the almost-graduated nursing student. I will make healthy choices. My food baby will disappear and I'll feel better. I'll run and bike this weekend. 

But every once in a while I will have an eating crap-filled day. Some days are just like that.

Deleting Contacts

Today I was talking with a friend. He had just deleted all the emails from a woman he'd been dating, getting rid of her contact information from his phone and his computer.

It caused me to pause and reflect upon what I've learned about people's personalities. That is, timing, is everything.

Are you the kind of person who clears closets, empties picture frames and removes all memorabilia right away? Do you purge and eliminate all evidence of a person's existence? Do you want to move on?

Or do you gather all traces, putting them in a box tucked away deep in the inner recesses of  your garage, basement or stairwell closet? Is it avoidance or are you allowing time to process events to reflect upon at a later date?

Perhaps you are the kind of person who wears the t-shirt he gave you from his work, favorite sports team or a trip he took. You keep the emails in a folder on your email account so that when you need to read them they are there, as is his contact information or the multiple drafts from emails you chose not to send. But you are still sitting in the hurt or grief or alone-ness, allowing yourself to feel the emotions, until they pass. Knowing they will.

It does not seem to matter if it is death, divorce or the break-up of a loving relationship. The pain is still there to deal with at some point in time.

I know when I gave away my favorite pair of oh-so-comfy-fire-department-newlywed-purchased sweat pants from my ex-husband to our youngest daughter the acute pain had subsided. It took many years.

Deleting both my dad's name and another girlfriend who had died around the same time from my list of phone contacts and my email list was brutal. I waited until I felt keeping them hurt more than deleting them.

Today, inspired by my friend I opened a file on my computer with emails from a past love. I pressed delete.

Delete.

Delete.

Delete.

Then I made the  mistake of opening up a few and reading them. I began to selectively delete. I could see, clearly, how much I've grown and changed in the past four years. I wanted to take the time to reflect upon all that I had learned. I was running out of time. I went to the trash file and moved them all back into the original file labeled, "XX." I'm almost ready to do it. I just need a long night to do so.

Sometimes it's hard to throw everything away with just one delete. I've learned I need to wait a little bit longer because timing is everything.

Grace

Today I found out the woman whom I have always thought epitomizes the very essence of grace has breast cancer.

Growing up we were fortunate to have a wide circle of friends surrounding our family. It included branches born from buds from my siblings and myself of synchronized swimmers, coaches, parents, neighbors, football players, Castro Valley families. Other offshoots included friends of my dad and mom. One particular branch was unique and continues to be so because it includes friends from my dad's youth: his elementary school, high school or the military. George is a member of this extended and far-reaching limb. George is married to Nancy. Quite simply, Nancy is a saint.

Nancy is a saint for many reasons. One is her incredible faith, despite having experience some very poignant losses and challenges in her lifetime . Her daughter Ingra was one such loss, as a toddler. If you go to her house you would see a few black and white photos of her sprinkled throughout. She was a beautiful little girl and you can still feel the combination of both love and loss. Nancy also had a sister with Down Syndrome whom Nancy would warmly share stories, chuckling as she did so. Clearly she loved her sister. She is married to a stubborn and proud husband, referred to as "Georgie" by Nancy. She softens that man somehow and remains steadfast serving as their anchor while he has aged. She has three amazing adult children who are following in their mother's footsteps.

She radiates beauty. Glows. If  you met her, you would never forget. She is both elegant and regal while also being Earthy. In our home, we sometimes referred to her as "Saint Nancy." I remember as a child I was in a phase where I would constantly say, "Oh God" at the beginning or end of many sentences, as was my newly-formed habit. One summer Nancy and her family were coming to join us in Tahoe for a shared vacation. My dad told me that Nancy might be offended, as a Christian woman, if I were to say, "Oh God." I did not say it the entire week we were together and promptly refrained from saying it afterward too. Even today, if I slip, I think of Nancy.

She is a role model. Even with cancer. In typical Saint Nancy fashion she has tackled the news with an amazing attitude as she begins to undergo the treatment. To my mom she stated both her doctors were "young, very smart and beautiful."

She is one of the most faithful, upbeat women I know. She is full of grace. Even now. Somehow I just know that means something.

I can't help but think of my cousin's wife, also named Nancy, and also eerily recently diagnosed with cancer. She has the most upbeat attitude. You can't help but catch her contagious positive energy when you are near this woman. She is a teacher and not just by her chosen profession. She teaches by example with her infectious amazing personality.

Both named Nancy. Both courageous. Both examples. Both full of grace.

It seems unfair somehow. It feels as though there must be some kind of mistake. But not in their minds. They continue to just be. To shine. Amazing beacons of light.

But if I know anything about these two Nancy's it's this: They are strong women and living life gracefully. And they are loved.