"Blanking Blank!"

The details of why I did the unthinkable elude me. I only know my oldest daughter Morgan was being quite snippy and rude to her two siblings and myself. Usually I was pretty good at deflecting or ignoring the comments so as to make the morning’s transport in the mini-van as painless as possible. But not this day…

Most weekday mornings began quite early, in order for Morgan and Troy to get to school by the 7:00AM start time for their Zero Period classes. Frequently there were conflicts amidst the crazy chaos, as we all got ready. This included Shelby and I as well, as we needed to get to the elementary school where I taught at the time.

I do remember this particular morning being worse than our normal “bad” mornings. I also remember I could not tune out her rude behavior and comments that day. Instead I got more and more irritated. We were all biting our tongues. Finally, I snapped. I told her she was acting like a “blanking-blank” (insert terrible words). She stared at me in shock and the other two kids also froze. I walked upstairs and gave myself a time-out.

While in my room, I began to berate my horrible behavior and knew I needed to quickly make amends. By this time the kids were all in the van silently waiting for me. That in and of itself was rare, so one can see saying, “blanking-blank” was upsetting for all of us. As I entered the van I began my impassioned speech. I said I was sorry. I said even though Morgan had been rude and I was upset with her behavior, what I had said was inexcusable. I apologized. I said I was sorry again. I asked her, and them, to forgive me.

When I went to school I walked into my classroom and cried. I felt like a failure. Here I was, a teacher, mentor, child advocate and I had just told my daughter she was acting like a “blanking-blank.” It is all I could think of all day.

After school, I picked up Morgan and Troy at the previously appointed location. When they hopped into the mini-van, I brought up my behavior from earlier that day to them again. I told them how I thought about it all day and apologized once more for using the “blanking blank” comment. The kids all said they forgave me and I told them that I loved them.

At that point Shelby was sitting in the far backseat in the van. She quietly said, “Mom, can I say a bad word now?” I can’t put words in her mouth but I think she felt that because her mom had been given a free pass to forgiveness for swearing perhaps she could test the waters of cuss words for herself. I told her she could say it because she had asked, we were the only ones in the van and because no one would hear.

“Stupid,” she replied.

“Shut-up” was next. Her sister and brother began to snicker.

“Asshole. Damnit. Fuck,” were next.

It is a terrible thing to admit but Morgan and Troy began laughing and soon I was too, much to my chagrin.

Troy, sensing the opportunity for further amusement from his siblings and myself, suggested we see who could come up with the longest sentence using the most swear words. All three attempted, and I’m more than a little embarrassed to admit that by the end of the car ride we were laughing hysterically. We were all in shock at our potty mouths and our newly constructed sentences.

We entered the house and Troy ran over to the computer to put on the catchy song at the time, and we all began to bounce and dance like Tiger from Winnie the Pooh. We all were laughing, dancing and enjoying ourselves for the remainder of the song.

After it was over I walked upstairs and headed into the kitchen to cook dinner. I knew, even then, that I would never forget that day. And, I believe, my kids won’t either. They will probably remember I said something terrible. But what I hope that what they will walk away from that day is this: I had made a mistake. I apologized and asked for forgiveness. Hopefully, they will remember that there was still love and laughter while we were dancing together and the music blared. Hopefully, they will also learn that once in a while, even on a horrible parenting day, that with sincere apologies and forgiveness, love can prevail.