When Carrie writes about "Sex in the City" of New York, it's all very glamorous. The clothing and accessories are cutting edge, she and her three friends attend elegant parties, experience decadent meals and their work involves world travel. The women get together and discuss their daily lives and sexual conquests and somewhere in each episode there is a lesson to be learned. There are no children. No husbands (not until later in the sitcom's history), only boyfriends. A seemingly endless supply of boyfriends, I might add.
As I write about "Starbucks in the Suburbs" I find there are both differences and similarities. My friends and I (both married and single) enjoy dressing up when we can, eating and traveling. But realities frequently keep us in jeans, cooking dinners on the fly and driving in carpools. We discuss our intimacies (or lack thereof) and yes, we (hopefully) are learning life lessons as we traverse along life's road.
I have been single for nearly seven years. Sometimes I cannot believe so many years have passed since the end of my marriage. When we first separated, I had no desire to date. I had no time to date. I was teaching full time, preparing to move out of a home we'd been in for eleven years and I had a daughter who had a medical condition that involved getting up at 12, 3 and 6. I was sleep deprived. I was pink-slipped that year. I didn't know where we were going to live and I was teaching 5th grade full time which though it was my most challenging class, it was also my most rewarding.
That first summer I spent building a little nest for my children and I in the condo where I currently reside. I prepared to return to my classroom because the pink-slip was (thankfully) rescinded. In short, I was in survival mode.
Survival mode continued and led to kids'-activity mode. Volleyball, soccer, lacrosse, 4-H, bowling, and more filled my calendar's dance card. And it is with some pride that I can say I rarely, if ever, missed any of their events. I realized this time period would be fleeting. I wanted to look back and have no regrets about being with my kids. I knew, instinctively, that all too soon the kids would grow, mature and head off to college. I wanted memories of their performances, matches and competitions. I loved forming friendships with the families and coaches, leaders and mentors in my children's lives. I learned, even then, that though I may wear the badge of mother, all of these people, wore the badge of teacher for my children.
When I did have a little free time, I found myself wanting to go out with my girlfriends for adult conversation. Dating had taken a back seat to being a mom, and slowly, finding out who "I" was again (after a 17 year hiatus) suddenly took up top billing. I found I did, indeed, have a sense of humor. I took pride in my lessons, my classroom and the community we built together as a "family." I developed an opinion, learned it was okay to be friendly to everyone but that I didn't need to necessarily be their best friend. I developed a taste for lemon drops. I found a small group where I could talk about God, my faults, and the masks we all wear were shed together to reveal our true vulnerable selves (figurative "warts" and all). I relaxed. Tension and stress fell away. Peace prevailed and creativity bubbled to the surface. I found I liked myself. I loved my life. I still do.
Eventually though, there were times where I dated. I went on my first of several blind dates. Many times this involved meeting up at a local Starbucks for the proverbial cup of coffee (did I mention I have never drank coffee?). I joined an online dating service a few years later (more than once), and then chickened out (also more than once). I met a wide variety of men. While meeting them, I did learn some lessons along the way. Mainly, I learned about myself. I learned about what men I did not find to be a suitable match for me.
To surmise a few of the Unsuitable Suitors (believe me, I could blog several more times and that would only scratch the surface):
Men who have names like short generals, keep unkempt homes, make fun of their depressed daughters, take photos of me on first dates & then make a DVD of me looping on their TV EVEN if they are Stanford graduates...oh and have rodent detectors that emit high pitched sounds to deter them from entering their homes.
Fire fighters that work with my ex-husband, do work on my house and are the strong silent type (and I do mean silent, hardly talked), even if they do work with youth and their mother was a teacher and they are very good looking.
Married men who make passes at me on my class field trips (ick).
Nice men who look a wee bit like Hermen Munster & are working three jobs to support their ex-wives in the lives to which they have grown accustomed to but seem like really sweet fathers to their children.
Blind dates that look a wee bit like a blond Santa Claus and have only just separated from their wives and who do not speak up when their teenaged daughter is drinking in a boat in the middle of a lake with their boyfriend late at night in the dark.
Dads from volleyball tournaments who have teenaged daughters that put down one of my children whom they have just met.
Men who are like gentle teddy bears and bring their own caught squid & fish to dinner at Chinese restaurants and find we have nothing in common as we spend the evening talking about his fishing and hunting but will still run into one another at mutual friends' home so we end the evening very cordially.
Very good looking men who are reading self-help books and doing cool things like running in marathons if they are still really very bitter toward their ex-wives.
Cute Australian men who have a twinkle in their eye, a nice accent & seem to connect with me but then are hot, cold, hot, cold and then who cancel a date to go drink with themselves at a bar and actually get drunk & run into my friends.
Men who think because you have gone on one date or shared an email and phone call can then say, "I love you" in the next phone call, text or email exchange (ick again).
Seemingly nice men who spend the night confirming out loud that I have everything on their check-off list and tell me so much about themselves that they never really even ask me questions about my job, my future dreams or my hobbies to see if we’re really truly a good fit because they are already planning a future with me and disappointed to hear I’ve planned a small trip for myself & daughter in three months and then let me split the bill with them so I don’t feel bad knowing I am going to go home and write them a note online telling them I think I need more time to figure out what I want in my immediate future but that I do not believe it will include them.
Men, in whom I'm interested, and they're interested in me, but timing is wrong. Or, in another case, travel gets in the way.
There are also men who are genuinely quality guys but my heart tells me that they are not for me, or I am not for them. We become friends. In fact, I have guy friends all over the greater Bay Area and stretching as far as the Arizona desert.
Or, there simply is just no spark. Gotta have spark, at least at the beginning.
I'm sure I've missed or forgotten a few men I've dated post-divorce (and have knowingly omitted certain "someones" from this list) but I will admit it appears I've learned a few things after all.
"Starbucks In The Suburbs" may not be as glamorous as "Sex In The City" but it does provide an excellent backdrop for life's lessons.
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