Divorce Mentor

I have friends who teasingly say I am their divorce mentor. It is a title which brings mixed feelings. Why? Because I believe in love, keeping commitments and happily-ever-after. And yet, I do admit to having learned a few things in the past seven years as a divorce'.

One thing I have learned is that it is okay to be alone. To be lonely and alone is very different than being married and alone. This even applies to social events. I am somewhat lucky in that my ex-husband's schedule forced me to learn to go to social gatherings alone, or not go at all.

I am quite comfortable sitting at a table with four married couples. I am frequently the "fifth wheel" but it doesn't bother me. If I'm a fifth wheel,  it's because I've chosen to be with friends or family that I love.

For example, last week was the tenth anniversary of the founding of the Scorpion Lacrosse program. I sat at a table with four couples. I had a great time. I danced with the ladies that evening and a few of their husbands too. It was one big collective group of friends dancing together. The more the merrier, single or married.

I have learned that some husbands are sometimes leery of their wives going out with me. This only applies to new friendships where the husbands don't know me well enough yet. The old friends all know I am just happy to be able to spend time with my girlfriend.

We're not out carousing and on the prowl, we're likely headed to a movie or sitting at a table eating in downtown Danville, Walnut Creek or San Ramon discussing each one of our children's lives in detail. Or we're solving the most recent work issue or lamenting about our busy schedules.

I do have friends who gripe about their husbands, but it is no different from when I was married. Except to say that the fantasy of divorce is very different than the reality. I am the very last person to encourage someone to divorce. I believe every avenue should be explored first: compromising and communication, counseling, books, and more.

I have always believed, and still do, that divorce is not really an option. That is, until it simply is, for reasons only those involved can understand. The decision to divorce should never be taken lightly. New friends, and their spouses, are sometimes surprised to learn my stance. My older friends, and their spouses, are not. They know me.

I will admit, however,  to coaching my newly-divorced friends about several things, some simple and mundane and others often more philosophical in nature. Here are just a few of them:

The most important item on a newly-divorced couples' agenda should be their kids. If children are in the picture, they must always come first. Any anger or ill will toward their "ex" spouses has got to be less than the love they feel for their children. That love has got to be the common  ground with which they move forward, separately.

As a teacher I saw their shared love as a way to bring parents together for conferencing with their child or children. The result was, and is, happier children.

When I have dated or befriended newly divorced men I can tell a lot about their relationship with their ex-wife by how they are referenced. If they say, "My EX did such-and-such" or "My EX is a blah, blah, blah" I wince inside. I gently ask them what is "her" name.

After they answer, I then ask if they can just use her name, she is, after all, the mother of their children. Many men naturally do just that. Or, like me, they reference their ex-wives as "my children's mother." The same is true for my friends who have ex-husbands. I know they have an "EX" but why not just call him by his first name? It's the kinder, gentler way to reference them.

As a divorced woman, I generally dress pretty conservatively around married couples. I have even coached other friends to do likewise...the reality is that we don't ever want the wives to feel we are trying to make moves on their men. We aren't. We just want to be looked upon as another member of the team, not the opposition.

I also need to go on record to say that just because I am divorced, it doesn't mean that I let my children run around town into the wee hours of the night. My children have curfews. I do not serve alcohol to minors and generally speaking, I am one of the more strict parents in their circles of friendship.

The same is true with the "father of my children" and we have always been united on the fact that our children won't use divorce as an excuse for bad behavior.  I understand and respect the need for parents to call and discuss my supervision of their children when coming to my home for the first time.

I hope that is true for all the married couples their children visit as well. Children need supervision, rules and abundant love. That is a universal truth whether married or divorced. Just don't assume because I'm divorced that my parenting rules are more lax. They aren't. Ask my kids. Or their friends' parents. They know.

Another thing I "coach" my friends going through divorce is this: take the time to know your role in why you divorced. It takes two people. I've heard for every five years that you've been married it takes a year to recover. Learn and discover who you are and what role you played the divorce.

Some of my friends don't want to hear it. But generally speaking, it's a good idea. Take time to figure out who you are, solo. Don't jump into something with someone before you know your likes, dislikes, must-haves and can't-stands. What brings you joy? What makes you sad or mad? Above all, be yourself. You'll be a better parent and partner in the future.

Do I like being a divorce mentor? I don't know. I guess I never thought I'd be divorced in the first place. But since I am divorced, surprisingly happily, I might as well try to share a little bit of what I've learned in the process. I know this, I still believe in love. I still believe in marriage. And I still believe in being the best person I can be. Married or single.

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