Now, the father of my children (my "Ex") would probably protest that fact, and indeed, has. What I think he meant, or means, is that even though we're divorced, he is still very much involved. We co-parent together from separate households. We put on a united front regarding many, if not most, issues. I can't quite bring myself to say "all" because in reality we are two very different people, who sit in very opposite camps, on an entire host of ideals. But at the core, or at the heart, we share one main vein, we love our kids and want what's best for them.
~However~
There are times when the fact that I go it alone at "home" becomes quite evident. For instance, if you are married, and your son or daughter says something cheeky within earshot of your spouse to or about you, your partner goes ape. They'll make your child apologize. They'll defend you. If you are single, you have to do it yourself. Or there is silence. It doesn't have the same impact (unless, of course, you are me and your dad is still alive and you do giant circle prayers with the entire family before you eat at every holiday or birthday and he will take that opportunity to guilt your children into treating you with more respect...at least for that evening). So what I'm sayin' is, when your spouse does that, be grateful.
There are times when and if you have more than one child (say, for instance, you have three) you will be busy wearing so many hats and you will feel like a single parent even when you are co-parenting with said "Ex" spouse. Like when all three kids are involved in sports at the same time. You have two girls on two volleyball teams and a son playing lacrosse and they practice in three different venues in three different towns. And you work full time. And you're a teacher. And you have to cook dinner, grade papers, edit homework, get gas, do laundry, be a cheerleader, disciplinarian and you really, really do live in your Honda Odyessy Minivan. This happens even when co-parents are involved (especially if they are working as a fire fighter and are at work one third of the time and even if they wanted to help, or could, they aren't able, because when they are off-duty they need to have time alone to sleep, run errands, date and more). The point being, is you are wearing all of these hats alone and not feeling, well, successful at any of them. You can't really pause to reflect upon this fact for very long because if you do, you'll likely be late to the next event or carpool duty. And it will all catch up with you at some point and you will most certainly get walking pneumonia or the flu or at the very least, fantasize about sleep (which you had thought only happened to parents of newborns but now know differently).
Or the fact that you are a single parent becomes evident with sports teams. You are the only family that has double entries on the team roster. Two households, one child. You have "snack duty" for the entire team, on the same weekend as your other children. This means you have to provide or send snack for the kids, parents, siblings and more ( it feels like half the town of where you reside). You get extra brownie points if it's healthy or organic. You have to buy it, ice it and distribute it. Alone. That is, unless you happen upon a batch of coaches who are married and hate snack duty as much as you. If you are lucky they will set a new team rule whereby everyone provides snack for their own child or children and you are finally off the hook (thank you, Martin & Laurie, during basketball season and thank you, Jim and Dave, during soccer season). Your kids will be upset with the new snack duty and to their face you'll empathize (but inside you are jumping up and down and trying really hard not to grin in front of your kids).
Single parents have to swallow their pride. You will have to ask for help on a whole host of events and situations. For instance, you have to ask for help with the previously mentioned carting to and fro sports' practices and activities because the walking pneumonia has taught you, if nothing else, that it's okay NOT driving the kids to everything. The depressing thing about that is that you will now miss the conversations post-practice (and truth be told, they are golden opportunities to eavesdrop on your pre-teen's world, a glimpse into their lives...but be forewarned, if you SAY anything, or RESPOND to anything you'll live to regret it because then future rides will cause them to resort to whispering about the juicier nuggets of knowledge because now, now they are onto the fact that you have been silently listening all these years...you just blew it).
If you are a single parent (or me, not my ex-husband) you'll also shamelessly let other people feed your kids while you're busy carting the other ones around. I still owe hundreds of dollars of groceries to at least two families. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I found out about a year after the fact, that one mom knew my son was supposed to pack his lunch. What I found out, was that even though he and I knew he was supposed to pack his (and yes, there were lunch meats, chips, apples, fruit roll-ups and more in our pantry), he frequently didn't. Well, I thought "natural consequences" would occur and he'd finally start making them again. He didn't because the mom who knew he was supposed to pack one, also knew he didn't and SHE started making him sandwiches! She packed two of them in HER son's lunch so he could feed MY son, his friend. It took me nearly two years to discover this fact. I nearly died of embarrassment. I shamelessly began to make elaborate lunches for my son near the end of his junior year, and all through his senior one, as a result. His older sister protested that I hadn't done the same for her while SHE was in high school and his younger sister reminds me each night before I go to bed that I need to make her lunch (parental guilt is the golden ticket in a kid's world mind you). That is when being a single parent makes me turn a little red-faced and my conscience leads me into getting up 15 minutes earlier or hitting the sack 15 minutes later...to make lunches.
I also am reminded, or have learned to appreciate, the fact that in my "married" life my spouse was a handyman, a good one, excellent even. I do not share that gene. I mean, I can read a manual. I can go on the Internet to learn how to fix something (like faucets that spray water, or how to change air filters and more) but it's not like I'm naturally good at it. I now have to pay someone to help me at times. Or "the daddies" we know come lend me a ladder so I can change the lightbulb in my entryway.
As a single parent I've had to teach my son how to tie his tie. Having never done that before, I went to the Internet yet again & printed out directions (See? I CAN follow directions!). This goes well enough for a few years until my son realizes if he leaves the tie pre-tied on a hanger it will save a few steps the next time. As we sit there and work over that slender piece of fabric around his neck, I feel that familiar lump in my throat yet. I am touched that we are sharing this moment, that my son displays no ill-will toward me and that it is a tender moment that I doubt I would have shared with him if I was still married (but then again, I'm reminded that dad might have been at the firehouse and perhaps we would have had that chance after all).
One other thing about being a single parent in a rather affluent area, is the anxiety that is produced when you go out with groups of families (at least at the beginning of divorce when incomes are divided and you are living within your burn rate and not wanting to acquire any debt). Group meals out are expensive. You try to gently tell your kids to order the cheaper items on the menu, you forgo drinks and generally try to enjoy the evening and conversation and joy of being with everyone (while in the back of your mind you are hoping you have enough cash in your wallet to contribute your fair share). You'll know it will be okay because you have skipped dining out for the past few weeks and generally live quite frugally. The bill will arrive and some other dad will say he has your portion covered. And your eyes will well up and your heart will be touched again as you learn that for this point in your life you have had to learn to receive, rather than give. That is a very hard lesson to learn but one single parents do. Again and again and again.
In countless ways, in numerous places and with scads of people, this town, the schools my children have attended, the sports they have played, the coaches, teachers, family and friends have shown this single parent that it really truly does "take a village" to raise a child. Or co-parent. I have learned, that being a single parent is humbling, exhausting and embarrassing. It is the toughest job I've ever had. And the most rewarding.
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